Have you ever felt good? That feeling of supreme optimism and the feeling that nothing could go wrong. Complete faith in your abilities and future. Self-efficacy at its highest. You love learning, interacting with all kinds of different people, working, exercising, and life in general.

If you haven’t, well, I am sorry. But for those who have, it is absolutely the best feeling one can feel. Everything is right where it should be, complete peace of mind.

Now have you ever felt bad? Depressed. The complete opposite of faith. Pessimism coming out your eyeballs, constantly sobbing. Constantly contemplating life. Whether or not we will understand it or whether or not it is even worth carrying on. Walking the line between sadness and hate.

How about feeling indifferent? I don’t know. I don’t care. Whatever. Never mind.

I am not going to try and teach you something here. Mostly because I don’t even know what I am saying. I am just trying to make you think. As well as helping myself think through this tool of writing and literature.

When one feels good, water is the source of nourishment. When one feels bad, water is the source of sorrows. When one feels indifferent, who the fuck cares what water is, I’m just thirsty.

I’ve heard of indifference being the actual evil of the world. Having no passion or drive to do anything. Human apathy.

“The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it’s indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it’s indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it’s indifference.”

― Elie Wiesel

Perhaps being or feeling bad is a matter of perception. Or rather, perhaps feeling or being bad, is the same thing as feeling or being good…

If you are happy all the time, then you will never be actually happy. Life is made in the ups and downs. As corny as it sounds, it’s about the journey, not the destination… No shit Jordan, we already know that… Well why are most of us unable to be positive during times of struggle and sadness. Why do I feel completely hopeless when I feel sad. Sure a couple days of being bummed out are easy to fight through, but long stretches of utter hopelessness, one negative event after the other. Thinking ‘why’ and looking up to god (even if you’re not religious, like me) and saying ‘you got to be fucking kidding me’. The positive affirmations and self-talk do little in these times. Having “this is happening for me, not to me” as an epithet, doesn’t quite do the feeling justice or provide any source of clarity either. Keep in mind that I understand the science of depression and other related emotions (at a elementary level nonetheless).

I could go into a number of factors that play a role in not being able to see the positive, such as weakness, mental health, neurochemicals, natural talent, environment, relationships, appearance, intelligence, etc… “But Jordan, I made it through my tough time, I’ve been through way more emotional and physical trauma than most people! If they can’t find a way out of the gutter, then they are just a bunch of babies”. Do you really think you know what goes on inside another person’s mind? Their thoughts, ideas, beliefs, feelings, etc…? The hubris it takes to think that people who were born with everything are better off than people who were born with nothing, or for one to even conceptualize what everything and nothing really is. The complexities of human behavior and emotion and their reaction to their environment could not possibly be understood by ‘normal’ people. Watching a movie or reading a story about someone who came from nothing and made it big, I think, gives people the idea that it is possible for anyone. If all the odds were against him or her, certainly you or I could do it? Think about all the other people who were fighting for the exact same thing and didn’t have their story told and the even larger amount of people who didn’t even have a chance to try. Think about how many people are on this earth, not just in your small town, or neighborhood, or country, but the entire world (7.2 billion). Most aren’t even able to actually process how disgustingly huge that number is. Your town or city is a spec of fucking dust on this map, as well as the people in it. Complex happenings are happening with our inability to see them. The story about yourself or the other who made it big and has the money and cars, was able to achieve that because of factors beyond our comprehension. All the things I have been preaching about hard work and growth are all important and contribute to getting the money and cars, but if you don’t end up getting what the other person has don’t worry. What goes on behind the scenes, not what the successful person’s documentary shows, but the deeper misunderstood and invisible matter that is at work, is the main culprit behind it. Each feeling, interaction and chemical alignment in the brain had to be perfect in a short period of time (a lifetime) in order to create this outcome. An outcome, however, with no final result. An outcome we think we want, until we actually have it.

Did you hear of the guy or gal that didn’t ‘make’ it? Me either…

So when one thinks they understand, understaaaaand. You really have no clue. The amount of people that suffer and who’s stories are not told is insane and you are to do humanity justice to think about that.

Back to the main topic of discussion.

To be honest, I don’t really know what I am trying to say here. I can tie it up in a pretty bow and say how we are suppose to feel happy and also sad/bad. It is a simple fact of life and it’s about how you can move forward during the times of struggle, learn the lessons in order to not repeat the mistakes and appreciate the good times while they’re there. However, for some reason it feels as though I am lying. I believe all those things to be true, but there is something missing from the anecdotes of the successful, as it creates a void in the hearts of the fallen.

Indifference is undoubtedly dubious. It is a lie to yourself, your family and the human species. But good and bad are real. Feelings of happiness and depression are real.

It pains me to not leave this post on more of a positive note, but I don’t want to bullshit anyone. Hopelessness sucks, its real and looms over all of us and I cannot guarantee happiness. Nevertheless, perhaps I’ll have more of a positive outlook… when I am in a better mood.


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